If I stop to ponder on what has been causing this, I look to the obvious indicators:
- jeremy was out of town all of last week for work, lending itself to the normal "tiredness" that goes along with that; but I'm not a stranger to that.
- While Jeremy was away, I booked my week full of people. I am unendingly thankful to the Lord for all the women he has brought into my life since we've moved here (a HUGE answer to prayer) - but I'm an introvert at my core... and with a boy who wasn't sleeping, I saw little alone time for a reprieve.
- Bentley is in an enormous attachment stage - literally clinging to me nonstop and not sleeping. He cries when we see the familiar faces and the unfamiliar faces. He sobs every time Jeremy hugs me or even rubs my back, and walks over and tries pushing me away so he can be picked up by me.
- Bentley also landed in the ER over the weekend (right as Jeremy got back in town, thank goodness) with a respiratory virus. He's on the mends now.
- To add fuel to the flame, I have been working on journaling/writing all kinds of past personal experiences... and of course, during all of this, I've been reflecting on the life of my older brother (if you know his story, you get it).
I must say, the Lord is so good to give us just what we need in the moment. Because as life has been feeling too crazy for me... he gave me some huge encouragements to keep me going these past days:
- A husband who is tirelessly committed to our marriage, to supporting me, and literally moves mountains for me in order to help me succeed.
- A mom, who would take time out - anytime - to help me, love me, and encourage me.
- His perfect timing for my mother-in-law to be staying with us, while she recovers from her knee replacement surgery... she has been a constant listening ear and an encouraging word about motherhood and life, especially when Jeremy was away.
- A father-in-law who drops everything for his family and has cleaned my kitchen too many times to count in the last month!
- Friends who listen to me, pray for me and never judge me.
- Even as recent as last night, God gave me a nudge of encouragement through my friend Kara's experiences.
My list could go on and on. God is always faithful, He is never too far away and is always ready to meet us where we are at. No matter how ugly that place is.
Yesterday, I felt the culmination of all my tiredness, all of my lack of alone time and all of my chaos in one single moment: I had laid the kids down for naps, thinking I would finally have my moment of quiet. I walked downstairs and Bentley started screaming over the monitor. I closed my eyes and took a couple deep breaths... and then laid down in the middle of my kitchen and cried.
Not my finest moment.
It did turn into another "no nap" day and "no quiet time" day... but as I later drove to run an errand with the kids, the Lord met me where I was at - in the car with my two kids. He gave me a song and a verse from one of my children's worship cd's and I've been mulling it over since:
John 16:33 - "I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world, you will have troubles, but take heart; I have overcome the world."
I know that the "troubles" I've been experiencing these past few weeks absolutely pale in comparison to what many are experiencing right now - illness, broken relationships, instability, depression, etc - but I do know that God has given us a powerful reminder in this verse. One that I am clinging to during these tumultuous mommy days. Life does not promise a lack of tough and grueling challenges, but just the opposite. Troubles and trials are just a part of the gig. It's not sexy and we may even despise that at times. But however big our troubles may feel or however impossible they may appear to beat... God has given us opportunity to experience true peace in Him and the promise that anything we will face on this earth has been conquered by Him. Nothing is too big for our God.
I am resting in that today.